There was a time in my life several years ago when I was acknowledged as being both exceptional and worthless in the span of 24 hours. On the very same day, I was the recipient of both poison and praise. The remarkable thing? For the first time in my life, I absorbed neither of them.” 

The praise came in the form of an award as Builder of the Year, bestowed on me by my employer. High praise indeed and very humbling to have one’s efforts seen, valued and celebrated. However, on that same day, my ex-husband on a telephone call, spewed harsh, toxic and critical words in my direction. My biggest victory, on that day was not believing either. 

I observed both forces as a neutral recipient and was surprised at my non – reactivity.  This felt different to my normal response – not spiralling upwards or downwards. While both of these energies coming from outside of me had the potential to uplift or wound me, I realized that what I choose to believe about myself, irrespective of external forces, would ultimately shape my experience of myself and determine who I really am.   In that moment, I decided that my value and worth would no longer be influenced by any external party or force – that neither praise nor poison would define me.  

As I made that choice, I felt the innate power that rests squarely in the centre of my being. Together with the unwavering knowing of my inherent value, my worth that is housed in the innermost recesses of my heart, from where it can no longer be shifted or swayed. I felt strong, solid and grounded within myself.

This experience made me realize how many of us live at the mercy of external voices – the praise that inflates us and the poison that deflates us. We become emotional ping-pong balls, bouncing between others’ opinions of who we are. But what if there was another way?

Do you spend time observing and paying attention to your thoughts?
What if you cared less about what other people think of you?
What if you cared more about what you think about yourself?
What if you stopped give your attention to everyone else, placing yourself last on your list?

Not only does this take huge amounts of energy and effort, but it is a surefire way to get lost, to be disappointed, scattered, and fragmented. When you give your power away to external pulls and forces it dilutes your essence, watering it down to a wishy- washy version of yourself, rather than the expression of your true essence in full strength, open-hearted presence, vibrant being.

So how do you gather all of the energy that you have leaked or squandered on things that are outside of your sphere of influence? Managing other people’s perceptions? Changing their minds, influencing their behaviour? Trying to change the outcomes and results of situations that are beyond your control?

Pull yourself towards yourself, reigning in all of the scattered parts and pieces, calling them home to the vessel in which they belong, your physical body and allow them to rest there, swirling, dancing, getting to know one another, brush past one another and have tea party conversations with each other. 

Allow all of the parts of yourself to get familiar with each other for the first time or in re-aquaintanceship. Identify them, name them and let them flow into each other, bounce up against one another or just gently kiss each other in a brief encounter. But as you go through this process, know this – they all belong here in this vessel that is YOU, rather than spread wide and thin across the illusion of the outer world that you believe is reality. 

This journey from external definition to internal knowing isn’t a destination – it’s an ongoing practice. Some days you’ll catch yourself caring too much about others’ opinions. Other days, you’ll surprise yourself with your inner strength and groundedness. Both are part of the process of coming home to yourself.  But what do you think might happen in your life if you started making decisions that honour your own value, self-worth and truth above the opinions, needs, wants and desires of others?

Having practiced this lesson over many years, over and over again, I am reminded to keep value myself, treating myself with compassionate care, honouring the way I feel and making decisions that reflect my personal truth. My battles have made me stronger and my scars have made me compassionate and kind to others that may be hurting.  At the same time, healing my wounds has brought me to a place where I do my best to choose an empowered response to life circumstances and other people that honours my own value and self- worth, even when this feels hard or means that I may need to let go of something that feel precious to me. Sometimes the most powerful and self-loving thing you can do is to let go and walk away. 

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